Welcome back to Week 2 of Breaking the Stigma! (You can find week 1 HERE). This week we are focusing on the Bisexual and Pansexual community. After reaching out to our followers via Instagram, we began to see that there was some confusion over these two identities and what they really mean. Whilst the term bi-sexual has been around for much longer, with many people using it as a step stone to come out as either gay or lesbian. Pan-sexual has only become mainstream in the past 5 years within the LGBTQIA+ community.
We have reached out to 6 members of the bi/pan sexual community for them to give their definitions and to explain how these words have helped them to find their identity.
*Note, due to two of the participants being under the age of 18, we have not included their image or information, but we still wanted you to hear their story.
How do you identify yourself? Bisexual
Age? 28
Country of residence? United States
Relationship Status? Engaged
My coming out story was…interesting. I was already a few months into my relationship with my now fiancé at the time, and my parents had an inkling that I was with someone new, but hadn’t told them anything about it. My parents live a couple of hours away, so I don’t spend much time with them apart from nieces and nephews birthdays, holidays, and random weekend visits.
I’m a terrible liar, so I decided there was no sense in trying to dance around it anymore and came out to them one evening after a birthday dinner for my niece. Their immediate reaction was fine. They said they loved me regardless and I felt good about it. But my parents are unique in how they process things. They are terrible at confronting things head on and prefer to sweep things under the rug as much as possible. This was something that took them a good amount of time to confront.
For a couple weeks after I came out, we didn’t speak. Then they reached out and wanted to have a conversation about how they were “concerned” for me because they thought I was being manipulated into this relationship. This isn’t uncommon for people when they come out, the partner is always seen as the devil on the shoulder ruining their precious child’s life. As if their own child could never be something so terrible as queer.
Anyway, we’re now engaged with four years under our belt and honestly, not much progress has been made. Because I identify as bisexual, my mom thinks that leaves the door open for me to date men while also dating Taryn? They are terribly uninformed about the LGBTQ+ community, despite my efforts to try to educate them. It’s something we still struggle with to this day and quite frankly, we have no idea how this will all work as we navigate through our next big life steps. But we don’t let it hold us back! We’re living our lives for ourselves and no one else and we’re happy doing so …!
No. I don’t really know if I could break it down into numbers. Before Taryn, I had only been sexually involved with one woman, and I wasn’t even into her. I had been consciously sexually attracted to only one other woman before Taryn, but it was a straight coworker and almost certainly a one-sided crush haha. Apart from that, I only dated men and really didn’t explore the side of me, that had and attraction to women. Taryn changed ALL of that in an instant. I had never felt instant attraction to someone like I had to her. It was electric. She likes to say I’m “Taryn-sexual”,i.e. – only attracted to her haha.
That bisexual people can’t commit to anything serious or that they’ll always end up choosing the “hetero” path. Several of Taryn’s friends warned her about getting too serious with me after she told them I was bisexual. I appreciate them wanting to protect their friend, but I think it’s unfair to assume that all bisexual people are a flight risk or something.
I feel like once I realised I could experience an insane emotional, physical, and intellectual relationship with a woman, my world transformed. Becoming so much more direct and confident in myself and my choices, because I knew I had to fight for what I have. I became more understanding, I did so much research, and I became the positive representation for a queer woman of colour, specifically queer black women, that the people around me so needed. By me living authentically and loving another black woman, I forced everyone around me to open their worlds to new possibilities as well. I forced everyone to think outside of their bubble, and to respect and acknowledge a group that was previously seen as “other”.
I would like to see the community band together around the most underrepresented groups, trans and queer people of colour. Queerness shouldn’t just be associated with whiteness; and we need to recognise that the underrepresented groups face even more adversity. The LGBTQ+ community has come so far and it is beautiful, but we have so much more to do until all of us feel represented, supported, and protected!
How do you identify yourself? Pansexual Age? 13
Country of residence? United States
Relationship Status? Engaged
My definition of Pansexual is that you love everyone no matter their gender but focus in on personality and morals, (of course you can have preferences).
I am Pansexual because I don’t really care about the gender or even sex of the person I’m with as long as they have a good personality and a good set of morals
The stigmas that I go through with my sexuality are typically that we don’t exist. Or some people just assume we like cooking pans and call us weird, (this is my experience). I have also had times where people just say we are bisexual and move on.
Being Pansexual has opened me up to accepting everyone I come across and has helped me find the relationship I’m in now
I kind of feel accepted in the community, but at the same time I witness people downgrade my sexuality because of what they think it is. It’s kind of hurtful. Luckily I have found a good group of people in the community who fully support me.
How do you identify? Beautiful Black, atheist bisexual/pansexual cis-gendered male.
Age? 35
Country of Residence? ArmeriKKKa
Relationship Status? Single
I came out at the age of 22. I grew up in a very religious nondenominational Christian household and I’ve dealt with not being able to be open and free with my bisexuality. When it came down to me finally living in my truth, it took me some years of living life discreetly and what we call on the down low up until that age.
I was constantly having to make the choice after I came out to actually live my life, the constant pressure of having to choose between being bisexual and being gay. The early 2000s created a lot of stereotypes and ambiguity for men like me especially black men like me and even till this day there’s still a constant narrative that you have to choose when that’s a lie. I also feel like as a human being you’re constantly finding a new way to “come out” and live your life out loud. It’s taken some work but I’m glad that I found who I was and I’m still learning who I am
I don’t believe that there’s a 50-50 bisexual. That’s just like asking if someone likes chocolate cake more than chocolate cupcakes when it’s still chocolate cake just presented in a different way. The spectrum of gender and sexuality goes beyond what we consider to call ourselves. There’s constantly this narrative and construct that is built by white supremacy that tells us that we need to title and live and be a certain way. I say fuck it.
The stigmas I’ve faced around my sexuality always stem from how I was raised and how most black men and women are raised in this country. There’s this consistent view of religion and sexuality that in my opinion is currently being rewritten. I’m glad I am an individual that is becoming more open to understanding what it looks like to be an openly black bisexual male living in America.
I’m also learning about what the experience of being pansexual is and having to also be an educator on what that looks like, but it doesn’t have to be confined to what I see and what my perspective is. I try to encourage men and women of all ethnic makeups to live their lives out loud but I also understand that some people don’t want them to and it’s important for them to do that.
Being a bisexual black male in this country has not only influenced me positively but has allowed me to look at life in various ways where I can help tear down the stigmas that constantly face black men in America. I find joy being able to say that I don’t have a preference, I don’t care to have a preference and there’s nothing wrong with ‘The Experience’ of being bisexual.
Most people are bisexual there’s just a small percentage of people who actually act on it and then there’s another smaller percentage of people who are openly candid about it. It’s not being greedy. I don’t know why there’s this constant negative stigma that we want to be greedy and we can’t make up our mind. When variety is the spice of life and it’s important that whatever sexual experience happens, that it’s done safe with consent and it’s done living authentically as much as you possibly can.
Being in the LGBT community the fight still rages on especially when it comes to black and brown men and women in this sub culture. The first pride was initiated by a black trans woman and has somehow lost its actual purpose and meaning because of so many narratives of white supremacy and white privilege.
I’m so glad there’s so many different forms of activism and entertainment that are helping change this story and are allowing people to experience perspectives and stories from different views. But it’s not enough and I feel very passionate about being bold and being loud about the constant constructs of white supremacy within the gay, lesbian, transgender and even the bisexual community. There’s work to be done but I put my boots on every day just like anyone else and I have every intent to do the work that needs to be done so that a future can be built for people to live out loud with no reservations.
Our evolution is important for the LGBT community. We either evolve or evaporate.
How do you identify? Bi-sexual
Age? 35
Country of Residence? UK
Relationship Status? Married
Wow. So as I write this, I feel that I’m already going to be judged. Not because of the community who accepts me but more because of the one’s who don’t understand.
I am happily married to a man and we have 7 children. I identify myself as what many would say is bi-curious/bisexual. To me it’s just me and I’m happy that way. I don’t like to put a label on something just because it doesn’t fit in with others idea of ‘normal/not normal’ etc.
Ever since I was a child I knew I was ‘different’ in terms of my sexuality as well as my interests. Growing up I did feel depressed a lot. Being bisexual or gay/lesbian was a lot different 25 years ago, kids were cruel and adults were just as bad. School was awkward, sometimes I’d have boyfriends to ‘fit in’ but I wouldn’t sleep around like some of my friends did. I didn’t want to share my body so openly let alone sleep with a boyfriend just to be popular or have something to discuss.
There were girls in school who I know today are lesbians and are out and proud. They were picked on for having short hair or being in to sports. I suppose I wasn’t obvious to others, because I wore make up and heels, have long hair and am very girly.
What most don’t understand is, you don’t ‘choose’ to be different. It’s just there. You don’t wake up one morning and go ‘today I’ll be gay’ lol. I’ve always been attracted to women, (sometimes more so than men). Although, I have never had a relationship with a woman because I was afraid. This made me deeply unhappy. It’s horrible to have a life where you can’t be free to express yourself because of what other people might think.
As a teenager I would go to the pubs and clubs where other LGBTQIA+ people would go. I have never felt so safe or more at home! I had amazing friends and it just felt good to be around others. My connection to women has always felt stronger, as we are just so in-tune. This is my own personal view. If I were out with a male partner I would be the first to spot a nice bum or a pair of boobs lol.
None of my family are homophobic but I still felt unable to discuss my situation so I hid it. My dad grew up in a religious home and his mum (my Nan) told me that God punished gay people. I heard this at age10 and I think it stayed with me. It’s a very old fashioned belief, but she was a lovely woman with a good heart really and an amazing Nan to us kids.
At this moment in time, as I say, I’m happily married and I love my husband. My other relationships with my ex’s were awful and I gave up on men until I met my husband. He knows about my sexuality and we sometimes joke about me running off with another woman lol. I’m happy with him because he doesn’t judge me and supports me and my beliefs. We are a strong couple.
I’m a qualified crystal therapist, I promote positive well being and I’m also a Witch and Reiki healer. I have a second business helping others live a better life and I offer that service for free. However, I can see how people can judge me, based on what I tell them. If I tell people I’m a mother, a wife and therapist, they automatically trust me and talk to me. I always get “WOW 7 kids.” If I said I’m a bisexual witch they would run a mile but it doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t change who I am on the inside. I think almost everyone in the community will relate.
This is my FIRST ever public speech. I’m fiercely independent and can be private but do you know what it feels GOOD to speak up. Many of you will read this and wish you could do the same. That was me! When I came across Tash and Marthe’s page I connected with them straight away. I opened up as I felt I could. I’m sure many others did too. We need to support each other, this is 2020 and with the current situation on this planet, being LGBTQIA+ should be the least of people’s worries (in terms of straight people not accepting, the bullying and hate going on).
I know there are many happy stories out there too. Tash and Marthe! I love your page and I’m green with envy sometimes. I follow some other LGBTQIA+ pages for inspiration too but you girls are what made me re-evaluate my life. Thank you for that. I love that we connected.
I’m a VERY big believer in things happen for a reason and also divine timing. What is meant to happen will come to you so stay positive everyone! Keep your mind happy. You spend a lot of your time inside your head with thoughts so it needs to be a good place.
Not really sure what else to write but I can see this definitely a new journey for me in terms of accepting who I am. Do you accept you? If others don’t then ask yourself if they are really worth being in your life.
One last bit, if there is one main thing I have learned and have I’ve taught my children. It is so important for their future to have change and acceptance. It’s ok to be different, individuality is important. And be kind always!
How do you identify yourself? – Pan
Age? 37
Country of residence? – England
Relationship status? – Married
Pan to me means that your attraction towards people is not limited by gender or sex.
Who I am attracted to, fall in love with, and that doesn’t mean who I am with at a particular time. I am married to a woman and have predominantly dated women but that doesn’t invalidate the fact that I am pan, I am and have the capacity to fall in love/be attracted to anyone.
I am married to a woman, and have predominately dated women, so people assume I am gay. People can often define your sexual orientation based on who you are with at the time. What I am talking about is pan-erasure, erasing my identity because of who I am dating or married to.
Discovering the word in itself was transformational! I had previously identified as an “individualist”, “bi” and “gay” so when I first heard the word, and what it meant it changed my life. As I now had a word for my sexual identity and didn’t feel like I had to shoe horn myself into another. I finally felt like me.
If you had asked me this question 10 years ago, I likely would have said “no” or “partly”. For years I identified as “gay” because I felt that some gay women would not accept me as a bi/pan woman. This belief had arisen from hearing how the gay women in my life talked about bi women.
But whether it’s because some of the people I associate with have now changed or whether it’s because progress has been made, I now would say, I absolutely do feel accepted.
How do you identify? Pansexual.
Age? 16
Country of residence? South Africa.
Relationship status? I am single because it’s best!
Loving everyone and anyone. Meaning we fall for personality and what’s on the inside better than the outside. We love boys, girls, transgender boys and girls as well as non-binary.
I’ve been confused about my sexuality for 4 years. I’ have been straight, bisexual, lesbian, back to bisexual. However, recently I’ve discovered that I don’t care about how and who the person is I might love, it’s how they make me feel. I have dated a transgender male, boys and girls and they all made me feel special. So like I said, it really doesn’t matter who you are, if you are an amazing person with an amazing personality you are perfect!
I’ve been called fake and I’ve been told that I am confused about my sexuality. I came out as a lesbian to my friends and one of them constantly told me that they hoped I would get a boyfriend and they know that he will be handsome. Whenever I told her that I’m a lesbian she just laughed and looked away and I felt offended by that. I haven’t come out to my parents because they are not understanding and they are partially homophobic. Whenever I try to come out they tell me that I’m confused and that I must stop making such crappy jokes…
Honestly my life has been much better after coming out as pansexual and I’m happier. Besides my parents not knowing, I’m really happy and the fact that my friends and family accept me for me is just amazing.
Yes, I do. I have lots of gay, bisexual and lesbian friends and family and they accept me for being pansexual. Of course they are confused about who I am attracted to but they accept me and they are willing to know and learn my sexuality. This makes me happy so yes I do feel accepted by the LGBTQ+ community.
We hope you enjoyed this post and that you learned something new, we know we did! Please go and support the accounts that we have mentioned and show them some love. Next week will be dedicated to the Trans community and we are so excited to share even more stories with you!
I currently live in London, working all over the UK as a performer and a presenter. I have a passion for writing and love sharing my experiences with others.
I currently live in London, working all over the UK as a performer and a presenter. I have a passion for writing and love sharing my experiences with others.
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June 24, 2020 at 4:53 pm[…] go and read the previous weeks posts about ‘The Trans Community’, ‘Pansexual & Bisexual‘ as well as the ‘Gay and Lesbian’ […]