“So you just came out of the closet?”
This was the question from a colleague when I told her I had a girlfriend. I was 24 when I first realised I could also fall in love with a girl. Am I a lesbian now? So many questions were going through my head when I came back to Holland after experiencing my first ‘girl love’. I never felt like I was inside a closet or that I was hiding anything. I just fell in love with a girl. To me it was surprising but never weird. It never felt wrong, it was just love, how can that ever be wrong?
So my coming out story is not so common, but I guess every coming out story is different. Mine was just very sudden. It’s a very personal story to tell. So here it goes…
In spring 2016 I travelled to the Philippines with my boyfriend at the time, we were doing volunteering work in Manila for a month. At this time we had been together for 7 years. Whilst we were there I remember feeling really unhappy with the relationship. I felt stuck and lost in Manila but still wanted to give it another chance, so I travelled with him to Palawan, a paradise destination.
We went on a beautiful expedition between Coron and El Nido for 5 days, this was a boat tour with several travellers, going from one remote island to the next. It was the perfect setting, stunning locations and lovely people, but I felt so far away from him.
There was this filipino girl, our tour guide, she had tattoos covering her arms. I found her cool, tough and a little intimidating. We didn’t talk much in the beginning, I didn’t know what to say to her. On our last night we were drinking with the group and we danced under the stars. She danced close to me and I realised I found her very attractive. I was surprised by this and told my boyfriend. He is a very open minded person and encouraged me to take action. This was my first experience with a girl.
The next day I felt confused, yet happy and grateful for the beautiful experience. That same day we arrived at shore and I felt sad that it was over. She asked me if she could see me again and my boyfriend didn’t have a problem with this. We spent a weekend together, I fell in love so fast. I was so surprised by the connection we built in such a short time. After that weekend we said goodbye and I literally felt heartbroken.
I continued to travel with my boyfriend, knowing I might never see her again, but it didn’t go well. I realised I couldn’t love two people at the same time. This led to a major discussion and eventually we broke up in Vietnam. It meant I was traveling alone for the first time in my life. I felt lost yet excited, scared and strong all at the same time. For the first time I was single and independent and I needed to trust the magic of new beginnings.
The girl and I managed to meet up and we travelled together for a while.
I knew when I went home I would have to start facing the facts. I had to look for a different place to live. I had to tell everyone my break-up story and my coming out story at the same time.
My family was surprised, but they were also super supportive. My mum asked me, “Did I miss something? I thought I knew you so well”. I responded, “You didn’t miss anything, it was a surprise for me too”. I never forget what my grandma wrote to me,
“It’s totally understandable and I think everyone is a little bisexual”.
She’s 83 years old!
My friends were super nice and cool about it, everyone was just happy for me and also really curious. At the time I didn’t have any lesbian or bisexual friends, so I used all my resources and went on a journey of exploration. I watched every series/film about lesbians I could find, read so many books and searched the internet. A whole new world had opened up for me, it was amazing. A few puzzle pieces also fell into place, like my crush on my high school English teacher. The confusing feelings for a friend when I was 15, which I thought were all part of going through puberty when everything is confusing.
After 4 months back home I decided to go back to the Philippines, I ended up having a long distance relationship for almost 2 years with her. We travelled to amazing places together, but there were too many differences and the distance was too big. It finally led to a difficult break up.
This was the first time I had been properly single in a long time. But who to date? Guys or girls? For me the options were endless. At that time it felt safer to date girls, so I did. But things seemed to get serious too fast and I wasn’t looking for that. So I started dating a guy for several months, it was casual in the beginning but in the end it also got too complicated.
Some people wanted to figure me out. When I was dating I would always be asked, “So you’re bisexual?” They sometimes found it confusing if I was dating a girl and after dating a guy. For me it felt natural, sometimes I could feel myself more attracted to girls, other times to guys. So am I defining myself as a bisexual? I guess so, I can fall in love with both sexes.
January 2019 I travelled to Bali by myself. I was so convinced that I wouldn’t fall in love this time. I was ready for my single trip and then I met Tash.
I fell in love so fast, with no grip of the situation. I just wanted to be with her all the time and look at were we are now! Yet again I am in a long distance relationship, but this time it doesn’t feel hard. Of course it’s challenging to miss her but everything is so worth it.
I am so certain of her and it feels so right. She doesn’t care if I call myself bisexual, lesbian or gay. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and for a second I don’t know where I am in my life. Then I realise I’m with Tash and I feel so utterly happy. I don’t feel any hesitation or doubts, there is no small voice in the back of my head saying, “But are you sure?” I feel calm because I know we can overcome anything and everything. I trust her, I trust us and well that’s just amazing … one day we will break the distance!
Want to read Tash’s Story!? Click HERE!
Originally from Amsterdam, I am now living in London with Tash, after we finally ‘Broke the Distance’. I love travelling and want to visit as many places as possible.
Originally from Amsterdam, I am now living in London with Tash, after we finally ‘Broke the Distance’. I love travelling and want to visit as many places as possible.
copyright © Tash Thomas 2018 All Rights Reserved
Design by NXNW.
